Sabtu, 28 Juli 2018

What I Realized/Learned on My 20s

Hello, peeps.

Sebenernya ketulis banyak draft gitu di sini, tapi males ngelanjutin. Gak tau ini jadi draft  lagi ato gak.
Wakakak.

So, kali ini aku mau nge-post lebih ke hal apa aja yang sesuai judul sih. Apaan sih, Tik. Ya gitu, post-an ini lebih ke kayak memicu untuk lebih gratefullove yourself and as always to be reminder for myself.
Gila, yak udah mau 21 aja umur w. Gua ngerasa banyak banget perubahan pemikiran dan tata cara gua menghadapi sesuatu di umur gua yang kepala dua. Bener-bener beda pas gua masih ababil di umur belasan. Mari kita rangkum.

Physically
I love my curls!
I used to hate my curls since I remembered my hair is curly. I used to hate it because people always making fun of it; indomie lah, kribo lah, papua lah, ambon lah. Like seriously tired of these. I used to cut it off when it grows until 2 semester ago, I guess. In the time of my life; tik, rebonding aja, smoothing, sisirin ampe lurus. Sumpah udah panas denger gituan. Used to smile and adore straight haired girls out there, but not too much because thought it is ugly when you have curls and rebonding it like ew. But now, starting to love it. Actually, I started to like it when I was on third grade on high school, but I cutted it anyway because in fact I was going to study in Jakarta which is must be hot there so I didn't care but cutted it haha. And didn't give a damn when I studied for 6 semester in college, I guess, cutted it off every semester like it was ritual to me. I always cut it off 'til under my ears. Got my feelings back to on my 3rd grade of high school for liking back my curls! Starting to grow em healthy! Love it so so so much. Don't have damn time to respond; kribo, indomie, ambon anymore. I'm proud javanese x minangese lol!

Love my body shape!
You may think I am fat. Ugly fat body, indeed I have. But lol I love that I have chubby cheeks, fatty arms and thighs and big calf but defined with my slim stomach plus shaped wist. I didn't even care about my body until 3rd grade of highschool to 1st semester of college, lol. I used to think if you are healthy, who cares with the weight. Then I started to like wearing abaya and fell so so fat. I have promise to myself to start wearing syar'i hijab when the day of college and have willing to lose my weight. I guess what I did was nothing changed on my weight but I become more healthy by routine exercise and confess it is my ideal weight. I won't go further between +- 50 kilos since like high school bc as I remembered I once 47 kilos on junior school. My achievement was 48 kilos when 5th semester of college but now I go back to the fattest stage: 52 kilos haha bc holiyay! As long I exercise and eat healthy, so what. I don't give a damn anymore if I look fat in my abaya and syar'i hijab or I can't proved my shaped waist bc big abaya. So grateful with this body shape bc it lets me hid my calf. I am not confident enough to wear skinny jeans or legging bc my big calf like a soccer player hahahaha, but really grateful bc I think it is gross when girls wear those skinny jeans or legging even their legs are nice. Don't care anymore if my fat look in outfit I wear makes me called by stranger, 'Ibu'. Such a prayer to me! Aamiin, may Allah lets me to become a mother. So many women out there are wanting to be an 'Ibu'.

Love my tanned skin!
Born as javanese and minangese had me a beautiful colour skin. Used to want white skin like the other asian and sundanese (it because I grew up with the sundanese in Bandung), but not too much. Always got rude words like my hair, but don't care anymore. I am embrace it now! I will let my true skin on my wedding. I won't ask the MUA to make me as other woman my husband/friends won't know. Start thinking to have no make up on my wedding but only niqab! Haha.

Love my sensitive and dry skin!
Used to call stupid antibody bc it always become reddish, bentol and itchy when it faces dust, cat's fur, cold, etc. But grateful since I was 20s! That means your cells DO care for you, they work properly, thank God. They won't let any strangers come in to you, they fight. They taught me to be strong, to fight what's bad for you, to not let unworthy people brings you down. And for my dry skin, thank you for not bringing me a tons of acnes and save my money to buy oil paper or go to doctor for acnes. I did have break out acnes in 20s but thank God it went away and it was not bc my type of skin. It was bc I was stressed out, kept touching my acnes and gave em solution with the WORST WRONG product that made my skin drier and worse :( but now coming back with healthy skin again xx.

Mentally
Starting istiqomah with my syar'i hijab!
As long as I meant it Allah's ayah in Quran, soorah An-Noor:31, I feel ashamed if I'm not wearing syar'i hijab. BUT still working when working out. I usually tied my hijab back bc forget not to pin it as syar'i hijab and sometimes feel annoying especially when running. Pretty self reminder tho, yuk ayuk benahi!

Have my own voice and trying to not follow stereotype
I used to think that study hard is for making grades. Become rich is the nicest thing in the world. Wedding ceremony must be great bc it happens once in your life. You are nothing without make up. Bullying is good. Being lazy is cool. Lying is fine. Cheating is the best feeling in the world.

Like what the heck.

REALLY don't care anymore, REALLY don't give a damn or jealous if the others are doing these. You are what you are. Don't be upset if you can't do such things that seems fun bc the majority do it. Do everything to find Allah's ridha, think akherat akherat akherat. so what's the point of cheating on exam bc you don't want dissapoint your parents but who knows they will be tight rope in front of jannah.

Love the idea won't wear tons of make up/celebrate my wedding hahaha!

Ngaji!
Menuntut ilmu makin jauh, makin besar pengorbanan yang kita lakukan, semakin afdhol, semakin dicintai Allah. Yuk ke majelis ilmu!

I guess mentally is all about don't care about things that bleed your heart a little AND lebih peka terhadap orang yang susah, sisihkan uang walau sedikit.

Random Things
Jodoh
LOL, akhirnya setelah 20 tahun, gua baru kepikiran ini. Astaga so weird but necesary to think bout that. I have never in to a relationship with guys that not worthy my attention, alhamdulillah. I don't feel lonely/ngenes at all until now bc guys are fricking around me like all the time. I have 4 brothers, all of my friends since elemetary til college are most guys and I'm not even interested for kind of relationship. The thing is I start to wonder who is he, his imaan, job, what does he look like, etc. I guess it is normal but cringy to think of course. My dream 'he' is bule since I obsessed with Harry freaking Styles, but not too much. I accept what's belong to me from Allah, but here's little confession in my mind currently.

I have obsession with kind a guys like my 2 little brothers.

Lol, no. I am not in love with my lil brothers in a wrong way! Kinda obsessed with where the boys are growing up and choose to stay there with simplicity of that place. I know it's so cringy to write maybe gonna delete this after couple days tho lol. But here is the problem: gua gak ada apa-apanya, cuy. Iya, iya nyadar gua. Cuma cewek kota yang gak gaul-gaul amat, ilmu masih pas-pasan, belum ada harta selain uang jajan, keturunan juga bukan ningrat atau ulama. Gak ada apa-apanya. Sedangkan, cerminanku disediakan di depan mata wakakakak. Ngidam cowok begitu, lha liat adekku aja gak tertarik ama cewek temen SMP/SD nya, masih tahan aja di DM in ama siswa SMK tempat dia ngajar. Adekku ngincer apa? Ya ciwai-ciwai sekolah cabangnya lah HAHAHAHAHA. Ngaca dong tik:( Makin ditampar lagi, mama kalo aku lagi buka-buka akun adekku dan pas lagi liatin ciwai-ciwai yang berinteraksi di sosmed adekku ngomong gini: 'Ah, Ihsan jangan sama yg gitu (nunjuk ciwai kota), udah Ihsan stay di sana aja biar dapet orang sana juga.'

YHAAAAAAA.

Ya cowoknya, ya ibuknya pasti mencari yang setara dengannya. Yang cas cis cus arabic nya, dll (males nyebutinnya, nanti bikin aku mau masuk kulkas aja).

Lha kui anak wedokmu piye to buk? Aku yo pengen sing koyo Ihsan :( wakakakakakakakakak astaghfirullahal adzim, jangan dianggap serius yha ini, lagi alay aja si tika :(

Serahkan pada Allah, Dia sebaik-baiknya perencana.
YUKKK BE BETTER AH, kalo bisa gue nyamain juga ni ama si santriwati.

Jahil dan Tersipu Malu
HM TOLONG.

Tersadar dari umur saya beasan tahun, emang anaknya kalo bosen gak bisa diem. Bawaannya pengen jail, semacam ada kepuasan tersendiri. Tapi sudah nyadar itu salah gengs, walau bercanda. Tolong ya anaknya ini diingatkan sambil anaknya sendiri juga berusaha nge rem. Yuk berubah tik.

Susah banget, meniru ketersipuan malu-Nya calon isteri Nabi Musa AS ketika beliau menghapiri Nabi Musa untuk menghadap ke ayahnya. Lah gua yang selalu around guys and joking with them, ketawa ngakak gada malunya bahkan kadang jailin mereka. Astaghfirullahal 'adzim 33x :(((((((

Ayo dong, Tik. Setrum diri kamu, wanita harus menjaga kehormatannya dan menjaga agar tetap MALU. Karna MALU itu tanda seseorang punya IMAN.

Moody dan Jutek
KENAPA SIH GAK ILANG-ILANG KEBIASAAN GUA INI?!

Tidak maksud membela diri dari sikap jelek saya ini, tapi sepertinya saya punya masalah di pengaturan emosi :( Gak bisa yang ngadepin masalah sepele langsung senyum like there's nothing and ok :( I always end up with kabur, kukulutus, menghindar dari yang lain dan JUTEK bgt kalo ditanyain. IYA SADAR BGT kok :( Suka nyadar gitu ngapain sih gua gini banget, kan kasian yg jadi imbas amarah gua :( Gua tuh kalo udah marah ama orang, pengennya jangan dulu liat mukanya, ampe sosmed kalo bisa di mute/block dulu deh biar gak kukulutus di hati kalo liat tu orang :( Tapi cuman sebentar kok :( Kalo sudah berhasil mengendalikan diri dan mengakui kesalahan saya, saya pasti unmute/unblock :( Tapi tetep itu salah ya gengs, saya akuin itu dan sekarang berusaha tidak mengikuti nafsu itu. Tolong, Tik dicontoh temen-temenmu itulo yang dijahatin masih tetep senyum, Rasulmu itu lo yang sabar ketika cobaan datang. Tolong diingetin aja ya gengs anaknya ini :( Ayo, dewasa!

Jutek astaga:( irit senyum emang akutu dari dulu:( Mungkin karna kepribadian aku? Oh tidak. Aku aja sebenernya bingung kepribadianku apa introvert apa ekstrovert, feeling, thinking apa pun itu, bingung hamba. Mo explain to others that I am introvert but nah sometimes in crowded I don't really think that I lost my energy. Sometimes I enjoy joking around. Sometimes I really LOVE doing all by myself. Not like the others need company. Sometimes I enjoy talking and become attention, sometimes I DON'T like talking in front of people. So I won't find out, cause no one give a damn bout my/your personality :):):):):):)

It's clearly my fault. But I will try not to be JUTEK anymore, unless in the days I'm not wearing glasses please IT'S NOT MY FAULT. IT'S MY EYES BC I DON'T SEE YOU CLEARLY :(


*calling all of glasses sisters brothers out there*
*i can feel you*











udeh ah, maaf ye random.

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